Monday, March 15, 2010

I am a Neon Yellow Fat Clown.


I don't know how many of you go to BYU.
And I don't know how many of you actually park on the north side of campus in student parking.
But getting out of the car and getting to class from that parking lot is kind of like the Ten Commandments when they put Moses in the desert and are like "Ok. Go. See ya."

Unless I have 2+ classes, a quiz, and my iPod is charged, this trek is almost never worth it.

This pretty hip guy I know, a senior, actually circumnavigates the entire campus car registration system and just parks in visitor parking at the campus art museum every. Single. Day. I don't know how he doesn't get recognized by the snotty little parking guy in the snotty little parking box thing (excluding my friend Ben who is decidedly unsnotty and works in the snotty box sometimes. Not you, Ben.)

There are most certainly a large group of those kind of people that seem to slither out from under all kinds of campus rules and get to park within a mile of campus because they're slithery and somehow more unnoticeable than the people in my category, which is apparently collectively wearing a big fatty neon yellow clown suit and waving its arms ME ME I'M ILLEGALLY PARKED.
These snakey people are in the same category as the girls who don't wear any pants to campus (thin, butt-bearing leggings instead) and don't get in trouble. Me, they basically tackle to the grass and cover with a big modest sheet.

When I do that.

But back to parking.
The slitherers don't have to trek through the stinging wintery sands of the Marriott Center parking lot after spending forty-five pathetically hopeful minutes weaving their vehicle through the first seven rows of parking when they know there really won't be a spot--but they'll ALWAYS look. Because wasting time looking for a space is worth the 80 extra feet you won't have to walk if you actually find one.
They don't have to despair when they get out of their car and realize their iPod isn't charged, because they don't have to walk seventeen thousand miles up one hill and down another and across the street and by the big X-y building. They have to only saunter quickly past the X-y building, so it doesn't really matter if they have tunes accompanying them.
They don't have to get whistled at by construction workers working on that new multimedia building, or get burned by the sparks shooting dangerously from their big sexy power tools.
Ok, I made the power tool part up.

Me, I'm a pansy, and a respectful-of-the-parking-rules pansy at that.
I actually am not that respectful, I just have luck bad enough that I get parking tickets if I'm parked in 30-minute parking for thirty minutes and seven seconds. Even if I'm running full-out at my car and waving my arms and screaming not to give me a ticket I had to turn in a paper stop chalking. My car. Get away from it, Mr. policeman friend, and go be one of the fourteen squad cars dramatically surrounding the next fender bender on University next to Fat Cats.
I know people who park in 30-minute parking every other day for three or four hours and their cars aren't touched.

Is it because I drive a custom Buick? That is a very outstanding color of teal?
Are you telling me that someone who parked in faculty parking would not drive a boat of a car with a giant dent in the right side? I don't think they really get paid that much.
Is it the little Disneyland sticker in the back window.
Is it the little devil head with diamond eyes hanging from my rear view mirror that Trevor brought me from Japan that is supposed to ward off traffic.
Is it the litter of broken sunglasses (I keep sitting on them) in the backseat?
Probably it's because part of my license plate number is the acronym for a certain Phencyclidine.

Give me a dark-colored, conservatively undented, drug-free car any day.
If it means I can park closer than ACROSS THE FROZEN TUNDRA.

14 comments:

@emllewellyn said...

I used to park in the POLICE OFFICE 30-minute parking for hours on end. You know, the ones with $50 fines attached.

Never got caught.

Never. One. Time.

IN THE POLICE OFFICE VISITOR PARKING.

Liesl said...

It brings me a lot of happiness that you used a picture from Ben Hur. Oh, that sweaty, tanned, muscle man. Sexy. Oh, and parking sucks. That's all.

Constance Marie said...

Haha bravo, I loved this little ode to campus parking. Any day that I don't have to be at work on campus by 7 am (meaning I get closeish parking), I just have the hubalicious drop me off. Oh, life is good.

AND speaking of parking at the MoA. On Mondays and Wednesdays I have a night class on there, and at that point I have already been on campus for 10 hours because I work at 7 am in the SFH WHICH is on the opposite side of campus, meaning I have close parking to work but VERY FAR parking from my actual last class, which is late enough in the evening to make that long walk to the car FREEZING. ANYWAY wow I have been wanting to vent about this, I started trying to go up and park in visitor parking at the MoA just for that class, and the lady asks me if I'm a BYU student and DANG ME I have to say yes, so I can't park there, yada yada yada. BUT I SOLVED IT. I get Brad to drive me there and come to class with me (hehe I'm evil), and not only could he honestly say "No, I'm not a BYU student, suck it," THEY NEVER ASK HIM. Do I look THAT young??

Okay, this comment is ridiculously long.

Brittany said...

bahaha parking. i used to be one of the MOA people. then one or two became very suspicious and started asking for id and stuff. so i had to quit. walking it is.

Tracy said...

I've never felt more blessed to not have a car. Despite the fact that I've parked on campus maybe 10 times, I did get a ticket one of those times. So I guess I have a 1/10 ratio which is lame. Sorry girl.

p.s. I definitely had a long conversation about the ten commandments the other day. I was really happy about your reference.

kaylie jean. said...

amen, amen, and amen.

that's basically all i have to say.

you rock.

Emilie Laura Wright III said...

truth: i've parked in faculty almost every day of the semester, and i've only been caught twice.

Best $40 I've ever spent.

Chioma said...

Don't worry I always glare at those girls who wear leggings as pants and you can see every simple detail. *shudder*

There needs to be a solution to on-campus parking. I'm not sure what it is, but there needs to be one.

lizzy said...

don't you worry, Julie. I get caught.

$150 of various parking fines from the University and from the city of Provo my first Freshman semester.

I just hurt to think about all the other, much cooler things i could have done with that $150....

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Allie said...

Julie, my fellow parking rules pansy, I hope no one who blog stalks you will up and decide to real-life stalk you by finding your eloquently described Buick in the parking lot. But probably Trevor's devil head will ward them off too. I hope.

lauh-ren said...

if i ever miss school, it is for this reason. parking.

Jen Olson Brown said...

I'm a new fan!!! Love you r book blog by the way. Finally something worth referencing to!

I am a survivor of the BYU parking system. Then I went back to visit my sister attending BYU and it all came back to me: I was relieved that I was able park in the Visitor Parking-because I am a visitor. No luck. Even though I had ID that I am an out-of-state visitor and further proof that I am not a student, because I was borrowing my sister's car that had a student decal, I was told to "exit the premisis mam." So I drove to the campus parking office and after a long bout pleading that their policy of visitors is discriminatory against out-of-town visitors that don't rent a separate car (trying to save money by borrowing a relative's car) they gave me a day's approval. But lo and behold when I got this approval and walked back to my car in the 30-minute parking spot outside the Parking office (that I waited 30 minutes for) I was being falsely observed by a Campus Parking Cop. When I exited that parking spot, another car (waiting for it) pulled in. the cop saw me leaving and saw the empty (Service vehicles only) spot next to my spot available since my spot had been quickly gobbled up. He falsely concluded that I had pulled from the illegal service vehicles spot and I had to beg for a trial before conviction! He finally let me off saying I should be grateful, and i hastilly assertained that he needs to be doing a better job and watch before he accuses. Man. my 1-hour return to the campus brings back so many memories.

Great write up on the only dictatorship legal in the state of Utah. (not BYU but their parking squadron).

Laura said...

HAHA.. I don't think i've ever been able to get in words my complains about this. Thank you. You have made my year.