Thursday, July 19, 2012

Things I've been learning.

I have been learning that sometimes, after a long, run-of-the-mill Thursday, a couple tears squeeze themselves freakishly out. 

I'm making a normal face. Completely expressionless, actually, which is nice, and restful--and I'm staring at my computer screen because I, the internet lady, have to do at least one more round of every site when I get home from my (computer) job every night.
So, I'm sitting making this normal face at the screen, which is on its lowest light setting. I'll only be looking at this guy until two weeks from now, when in my last days as a student, I'll buy myself a spanking new laptop. Old whitey will be going to laptop heaven where all the other old MacBooks are already rainbow-wheeling for eternity. I think he's embarrassed that he's still hanging around. Heaven knows I am. I don't take him to campus. I'm also embarrassed that I've only cleaned him three times in the last five years. But he's served me well. And all the crumbs 'neath his keys have squished down into some spots that for me are comfortably sticky. The "c" key has had a goober of some kind on the top of it for months.

I'm making this normal face while reading some stuff and listening to some stuff, and eating a giant bowl of Cocoa Krispies, which has often been my appetizer for dinner lately. They used to be better. And they make chocolate milk. Suddenly, in no relation to the music I'm listening to (The Rolling Stones) or the thing I am reading (the Netflix cue and this and this and this), my top and bottom eyelids crunch together, unbeknownst to my nervous system except for that I can't see for a second, and out of each eye flap comes a giant, salty tear, before I even realize what is happening. My lips press together and flatten out, and then the tears hit my jaw while I momentarily blaze up like a demented tomato, and then I'm done.

At least I used to know when I was about to take the Moment of the day. Granted, it's been years since I last had Moments, but from that experience I have learned that they're going to happen for a few months and there's nothing you can do about it. And that they feel kind of good. It's like emotional burping. 
Not that it doesn't completely blow.

These days, it's deciding to happen whenever it wants. What if I'm in the middle of looking poignantly interested in class? We talked about salsa today. What if I'd had a wet facial seizure in the middle of my super hip teacher's comments about garlic?
It seems to be that the more things happen, sadness for me becomes less about me. It doesn't get any easier, but it becomes less stabby, because I know it's not ever really going to go away, and that food is still going to taste good, and that I'm still going to sleep a little. It's a dullness, a nothing-will-ever-feel-normal-again, a screamingly uncomfortable tickliness, like I slept on my arm funny, instead of me running around whimpering my injustices to everyone and feeling sorry for myself, like it used to be. 
Does that make sense?
You realize that you're at fault too, even especially. That you're the one who made the big mistakes. You pray that you'll never be that stubborn again. That somehow you'll forgive yourself for missing that chance. You wish it hadn't gone the way it did, but you're glad that you got brave and tried for what you really wanted, in the end. 
And now you try your hardest to just let things be the way they are and miss, miss, miss away.

Two nights ago, I fell asleep with my arms up over my head. I woke up in the middle of the night hysterical, thinking they weren't there, because I couldn't feel either of them. I proceeded to hit myself in the face with both elbows repeatedly while trying to jiggle my froggy arms back down by my sides where they belonged. And when my hand hit the side of my face, my dead, fishy, still-sleeping hand, I scared the shit out of myself. 
Something sad happened. But at least I've still got my arms.

It was nice, that a couple tears came out. One for you, and one for graduation. 

Miss you. 


Birrell Family said...

I have done that same thing with my arms. Laying in bed to terrified I couldn't move because something was knocking against my face. I eventually was brave enough to reach out only I couldn't. My arms had fallen asleep under my head and it was my own hand whacking me uncontrollably. Scared to death I was.

Come visit me when you can. Let's talk. I love you! I feel the things you write :)

Anonymous said...

your posts are very excellent. always. and your macbook sounds just like mine. :P

Mandy said...

Ugh. This sounds like heartbreak. I know the miserable, empty feeling too. Things always get better. Food tastes good again and you realize you're okay. During mine I kept thinking of that quote from Spoon River Anthology - "Only when all stimulants fall, does the aspiring soul by its own sheer power find the divine while resting upon itself."

Brett Merritt said...

As hard as things can be, I always like reading.

sabīne said...

you are excellent.

Chelsea Michelle said...

Love you. Nominated you for a blogger award. Check out my bloggy.

Anonymous said...

Hello. And Bye.

Brittany said...

Just remembered that you have a blog and you used to write on it. I'd threaten you to come back and to write more, but I know better.

But really. Loved rereading this and loved seeing you yesterday, woman.