I
have been learning that sometimes, after a long, run-of-the-mill Thursday, a couple tears
squeeze themselves freakishly out.
I'm
making a normal face. Completely expressionless, actually, which is nice, and
restful--and I'm staring at my computer screen because I, the internet lady,
have to do at least one more round of every site when I get home from my
(computer) job every night.
So,
I'm sitting making this normal face at the screen, which is on its lowest light
setting. I'll only be looking at this guy until two weeks from now, when in my
last days as a student, I'll buy myself a spanking new laptop. Old whitey will
be going to laptop heaven where all the other old MacBooks are already
rainbow-wheeling for eternity. I think he's embarrassed that he's still hanging
around. Heaven knows I am. I don't take him to campus. I'm also embarrassed
that I've only cleaned him three times in the last five years. But he's served
me well. And all the crumbs 'neath his keys have squished down into some spots
that for me are comfortably sticky. The "c" key has had a goober of
some kind on the top of it for months.
I'm
making this normal face while reading some stuff and listening to some stuff,
and eating a giant bowl of Cocoa Krispies, which has often been my
appetizer for dinner lately. They used to be better. And they make chocolate milk.
Suddenly, in no relation to the music I'm listening to (The
Rolling Stones) or the thing I am reading (the Netflix cue and this and
this and this), my top and bottom eyelids crunch
together, unbeknownst to my nervous system except for that I can't see for a
second, and out of each eye flap comes a giant, salty tear, before I even realize what
is happening. My lips press together and flatten out, and then the tears hit my
jaw while I momentarily blaze up like a demented tomato, and then I'm done.
At
least I used to know when I was about to take the Moment of the day. Granted,
it's been years since I last had Moments, but from that experience I have
learned that they're going to happen for a few months and there's nothing you
can do about it. And that they feel kind of good. It's like emotional burping.
Not that it doesn't completely blow.
These days, it's deciding to happen whenever it wants. What if I'm in the
middle of looking poignantly interested in class? We talked about salsa today. What if I'd had a
wet facial seizure in the middle of my super hip teacher's comments about garlic?
It
seems to be that the more things happen, sadness for me becomes less about
me. It doesn't get any easier, but it becomes less stabby, because I know
it's not ever really going to go away, and that food is still going to taste
good, and that I'm still going to sleep a little. It's a dullness, a
nothing-will-ever-feel-normal-again, a screamingly uncomfortable tickliness,
like I slept on my arm funny, instead of me running around whimpering my
injustices to everyone and feeling sorry for myself, like it used to be.
Does
that make sense?
You
realize that you're at fault too, even especially. That you're the one who made the big mistakes. You pray that you'll never be that stubborn again. That somehow you'll forgive yourself for missing that chance. You wish it hadn't gone the way it did, but you're glad that you got brave and tried for what you really wanted, in the end.
And now you try your hardest to just let things be the way they are and miss, miss, miss away.
Two nights ago, I fell asleep with my arms up over my head. I woke up in the middle of the night hysterical, thinking they weren't there, because I couldn't feel either of them. I proceeded to hit myself in the face with both elbows repeatedly while trying to jiggle my froggy arms back down by my sides where they belonged. And when my hand hit the side of my face, my dead, fishy, still-sleeping hand, I scared the shit out of myself.
And now you try your hardest to just let things be the way they are and miss, miss, miss away.
Two nights ago, I fell asleep with my arms up over my head. I woke up in the middle of the night hysterical, thinking they weren't there, because I couldn't feel either of them. I proceeded to hit myself in the face with both elbows repeatedly while trying to jiggle my froggy arms back down by my sides where they belonged. And when my hand hit the side of my face, my dead, fishy, still-sleeping hand, I scared the shit out of myself.
Something
sad happened. But at least I've still got my arms.
It
was nice, that a couple tears came out. One for you, and one for graduation.
Miss
you.