Girls

Type A—the girls who genuinely do not get along with other members of their gender as well as they do with guys. They’re usually pretty quiet and good at longboarding, good at being spontaneous, but occasionally kind of boring to talk to. And they dye their hair funny colors. And they get to wear short shorts all the time, but nobody says anything, because they’re just one of the guys and not seen as a womanly object. They always Appear everywhere with their specific group of guys, and semi-date one of these guys in their group for a little while, but then the guy writes it off and tells everyone it was weird. Then everything goes back to the way it was and she just goes longboarding and swimming and stuff with them some more. And lights poop on fire and stuff. These girls wear little to no makeup for everyday, so when they put it on for dances in high school, sometimes they looked like drag queens. They have nice pretty non-makeup faces.

Type B—the girls who tell everyone that they are the kind of girls who don’t get along with other girls, but in reality are just saying that so men will think they’re cool and notice them more. These are the girls that type A especially does not get along with. Sometimes these women are hard to pick out of the crowd, but if you listen for the phrase “I don’t really get along with girls,” or the more popular “(groan) I hate girls!!” and then listen carefully to everything they say afterwards, you can hear all the stupid anti-girl things they say which give away that they are not really a type A because of how unintelligent they sound while they are talking. They are usually having these conversations with others of their type, and some quiet guy in high-water pants that blinks a lot and will probably turn out to be quietly gay. These girls wear headbands a lot and matching jewelry sets, and slip-on sneakers with patterns on them. All at the same time. And they pluck their eyebrows a lot.

Type C—the girls who are real girls because they, A, love hanging out with “the girls” and doing that kind of stuff, and B, haven’t figured out yet how to pathetically fake liking to hang out with males more than females in order to seem more appealing. Ironically enough these are the girls who usually go on the most dates. Also they’re the dumbest kind of girl—but usually the nicest and easiest to be friends with. They’re late to class a lot and have three-inch roots all semester but make friends with everyone and you find yourself, in spite of your deepest rude instincts, beginning to genuinely like them by the third or fourth week of class. If you see them off campus they’re usually clinging to a bicep and nodding enthusiastically (if really, really vaguely) at something. And they’re either pure as the driven snow or people say they’ve “been around”. Never in-between. They own more than one pair of high-heeled faux-fur boots from Forever Young. And more colored underwear than probably Madonna.