Friday, May 29, 2009

What to Do

So when I tried to start my car at 11:55 this morning to get to my noon class in Provo after giving myself one hour to write a four page paper, the engine sounded like it had electric fizzy popcorn popping from within it. Driving back from California Memorial day, we drove by an Escalade that was literally engulfed in flames on the side of the road (I felt like I was in the Fast and the Furious and I was smeared with car parts-grease and wearing a slit t-shirt), and I was very convinced and afraid that this was going to happen to my car this morning, courtesy of the electric fizzy popcorn, so I ended up getting driven to class and getting there an hour late. I didn't really mind--according to the heavy-lidded girl behind me, we'd been pooping around on jstor for an hour.

"I work for my dad's company, that, like, he owns. It's pretty tight, and, um, he like keeps me busy. He's like, training me to take over, so, it's like, intense... You're the man, you know that? YOU'RE the MAN!"

--I'm writing in the MOA now. Class ended early. It's actually really peaceful in here, makes me tired, really, with the obscure Native American flute music playing and the guy sitting on the other gray blob couch whispering a book out loud to himself in French. Almost conked me out. That whispering plus the music really, really relaxed me, literally, and continues to do so through the conversation of this sweet imbecile behind me who is going to take over his dad's company.

Currently, many things need to be dealt with. I don't mean "dealt with" in the sense that they're all unpleasant, in fact, being immersed in most of them is quite the contrary for me. I like things. I like dealing with them. I like talking about them with people. After being sick and tormented with soup and movies alone for two months, I love to deal. There are just several BA (Big Ass) things going on right now that I really wouldn't know how to handle alone, let alone combined with fourteen other things. Some things on my mind right now, not including the very personal one I'm about to write very obscurely and question-marky about:

  1. How to learn how to do Married Things (minds out of the gutter, please, you big sickos...)
  2. Whether or not I'm going to change my major and possibly change schools and if I'm really, really motivated enough to go through such a program--not to mention, smart enough/good enough at memorizing things
  3. I feel like I'm wearing an overly heavy, sweaty backpack that has made a rectangle of sweat on the back of my t-shirt. This is having to do with my spiritual progress. Be intrigued

Sometimes things happen to me, and I don't know how to react to/deal with them, how I should act, what code I should abide by, so I ask people what I should do. I ask my parents, my shrink, my grandma, my friends, God, religious leaders, famous people, the pope, Emily, Andy, and assorted others what I should do, and I usually end up combining bits of their opinions together in my mind on top of mine, rolling them into a crumbly bit ball, and I use that as my information for how to handle whatever situation I asked them all about.

Sometimes something happens and even when I've combined all the information I can get, I still don't know what to do about it.

This doesn't happen very often. When it does, I feel exploitative. Like there's something I need to hear from someone I'm not hearing it from, and I'm not hearing it because I don't want to. Usually I just end up leaving it alone, this unpleasant exploitative feeling, forgetting about it eventually when I have homework to do or sleep to be engaging in. But Current Issues are as such that I need to know what I am supposed to do about this, and what level I am supposed to do it at.

When someone offends you, I mean really offends you, at what point are you supposed to say something about it? Are you ever supposed to? Are you supposed to remember that there isn't anyone perfect on the earth, that nobody's been resurrected yet, and let everything people say to you go, no matter how much it bothers you? And if you are supposed to say something, what are you supposed to say? How far are you allowed to go? Does the person's position in your life, their status, whether they're a peer or a friend or a family member, have to do with how much you can say? Is contention always of the devil, or is that only in the case of contention for contention's sake? Am I allowed to be contentious if it's the only way to explain to someone how they've made you feel bad? How about when you feel as though you must say something to someone, they need to hear it, but you know it will hurt their feelings? I don't know which is more important, something hearing something or someone's feelings going unhurt. Obviously it varies from situation to situation, but I don't know under what levels it's ok to go on feeling upset and outed and unfairly objectified and above what levels it's ok to scream at somebody.

I don't know if I'm supposed to wait a half hour, and then act like nothing happened, because that's what some people do. I haven't decided if it's ok to hold a grudge and not talk to individuals for two weeks, because I don't know what happens at the end of that, because I've never done it. I can't distinguish between the pros of letting it go and the cons of speaking my mind.

I feel like the next person I should call is Miss Cleo.


Constance Marie said...

First of all, you're thinking of changing your major and transferring? ? So am I!!! I think I'm going to do Social Work. What are you considering changing to?

And don't shut someone out for two weeks. It makes everything worse to be passive aggressive. I think that if it's something that is really bothering you, you need to pray to have the Spirit with you, and then kindly discuss the issue with the offender in a loving way. But it's hard.

Sarah and Robbie said...

You're right, Cleo would know what to do . . .

alisha said...

at first i thought that was queen latifa.
i love you man.
go with instinct. how you feel. an organic response comes from a place void of rules. it's pure and genuine. and i find that is always a good place to start. that's what i say. words of wisdom from the head of alisha. there you go.

haystacks said...

you don't know me, and i don't know you. however, i came upon your blog through various links, and i just love your writing: it's so honest, it's just simply real.

i was reading a talk in the ensign the other night, and highlighted this quote:
"it is easy to become distracted--to become focused on one burned-out lightbulb or the impolite acts of unkind people, whatever their motive may be. But think of the power we would have as individuals...if, in response to every temptation to lose focus or lower our standards--the standards of God, we responded, "I am doing a great work and cannot come down." (Elder Uchtdorf's talk:We are doing a great work and cannot come down)

Maybe this will help you, maybe it will annoy you that a weird stranger who happened upon your blog decided to comment totally randomly. Whatever your reaction, I thought i'd share this little piece of the talk which has made an impact on me. To me, it means that no matter what the hurtful words were, or from whom they came, you are capable of moving on from them, because you have a greater purpose. I don't think it implies, in any way, that you should be walked all over or have your heart irreperably (what the spellcheck?) stomped on...but i think it suggests that you can keep your focus on the more beautiful and spiritual things in your life, instead of letting those hurtful comments bring you in to a dark place that it can be hard to get out of.

I'm sorry to ramble, being a stranger you're probably like, "what the hell, creeper!" i swear, i'm not a creeper. just a fellow blogger who saw a possible answer to your questions in her nightly reading.

hope everything works out!

a friend