Sunday, December 20, 2009
Goodbye, first entire decade I can remember
Here it is. It is the end of the year here.
I listen to the same song every single time I write a brave and unbalanced blog. It's only two minutes and fifty-two seconds long, so it repeats probably about forty times each time I write a blog, which has been 144 times, counting this one. From going through the motions of doing the terrifyingly complex math with my math brain, I have gained the information that this means I have listened to my blog song approximately 5760 times. That's a lot of times to listen to one song that is a lone piano. But it works out for me, especially when I'm feeling puky verbose. Which is a lot. Not puky in a bad way, puky in a goodness-me-some-words-must-burst-forth-presently way. The song helps me to release this bursting in a timely way, usually.
Guess what the song's called? It's called The Engagement.
I stand here at the end of the year. I am tired.
Yes, I had mononucleosis at the beginning of this year. Actually, I had it starting with a tearful blood test in the studen health center last December--and the strain agitated my liver/gallbladder/everything else so much that in February I had to drop out of school, move home, and be in bed for two months. I laid in bed and watched House and read some books for two months. Hepatitis Hepatitis Hepatitis Jaundiced. Sleep Sleep Shower Lay In Bed Ouch.
THEN I became engaged in April to Mr. Andy Sherwin after knowing Mr. Andy Sherwin for 2 1/2 weeks. Months later, on a cool night in July, I became unengaged from Mr. Andy Sherwin in another whirlwind of events, and then flopped around like a really pathetic gasping fish for a while. Then the relationship finally ended completely and I was dumped back into some water.
At first, looking back at my year and seeing only two big fat ones slapped onto it--
"MONONUCLEOSIS MY LIVER HURT AND I WAS SOOOO BORED AND FELT USELESS AND UNFULFILLED"
and "MARRIAGE THAT WAS THE EPITOME OF RUSHED INTO AND DIDN'T HAPPEN"
felt terrible. I thought, "how am I ever, ever going to share these experiences without sounding like the sorriest Sally in the whole world?"
But I figured it out. Not that bad, I realized.
The First was an annoying health issue that has yet to have healed itself completely, which has erased forever my former ability to get next-to-no sleep, eat crappily, exercise 0%, and take poor care of myself. I have had to retrain my body to attune it to a stricter regiment in order to not keel over once again. Once a serious strain of mono bug, always a serious strain of mono bug. And after being the same way for twenty years about my almost anti-health regimen, it has been a growing pain in the nethers to try and change.
The Other was an embarrassing mistake. Embarrassing for other people, I mean. They get embarrassed when they ask about it, and then embarrassed for me that it happened and then didn't happen. People continue to walk up to me and ask "hey, when are you getting married?" five months after the fact. A woman in church actually asked me about a month ago how my husband was doing. I laughed. I didn't mean to. If I had a dollar for all the award-winningly OUCHIE OUCHIE cringes I've received in the last few months, I'd have eight bazillion dollars.
I have come up with a clever catch phrase regarding the x-ed nuptials, which I shoot at any inquiring minds as quickly and tactfully as possible, peppering it with as many "it's OK"s and reassuring hand-waggles as possible. It's clever enough without being insensitive to him or me or our situation that they usually titter on and on about it, which is a helpful deflection from their feeling terribly insensitive for asking.
People get it. Some people get it, and some people don't. And that's OK. I know that the experience is something I have learned from. I know that I'm feeling quite a bit better about all of it. And I know that I am eternally grateful to him for recognizing the differences that just wouldn't get us through an entire life together (or months, even) and for making sure that we would both be on the paths that would make us the happiest.
I see the two experiences I have put myself through this year with my eyeballs and with my heart. Like I said above, they weren't pleasant at first. Neither of them (regarding the unengagement process, not the engagement itself) were ever pleasant in the slightest. They sucked big time. Sucked more than anything hath ever sucketh in the history of my really short life.
I feel as though I have learned more this year than I've learned in my entire life.
I feel as though I learn one hundred times as much in each month of each new year than in the entire year beforehand.
And if that's how it's going to continue to be, I am getting the whole "eternity" thing a lot better than I used to.
I have learned better this year to perceive what I really believe, because my "beliefs" were knocked flat for the first time by the littlest baby wimp breeze and I had to grope around in the slimy dark for the things that really meant something to me, what I really inherently knew. It was scary. But I did it. And I can do it again.
I have learned better this year that I cannot continually beat the crap out of myself with no sleep, fried food, candy, and laying around. That I can actually eat salad. That it doesn't taste that bad. That I feel better doing what is better for my body.
I have learned better this year a fraction of the infinite and understanding love that God has for me.
I have learned better this year how to be more considerate of the feelings of other people.
I have learned better this year about the true value of people who care about you, and how to love them in spite of their imperfections, whatever they may be.
I have learned better this year to stop dreading alone time and start valuing the quiet hours in which I can be alone with my thoughts.
I have learned better this year what I might be good at doing for the rest of my life, in fact, I am quite sure of what I want to be. And that is a big deal.
I have learned to wake up each morning and remind myself of the blessing that my life is, of the blessings that include pistachios, my little sister, burned CDs because those of us from the CD generation still do that sometimes, raspberry-almond tarts, and David Sedaris.
in 2010, I shall
perform in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels February-April with probably the most talented cast that I will ever have the privilege of being a part of
transition from major 1 to major 2, which is considerably harder and involves 6+ more years of schooling
convince Emily and Ames to have a baby
meet my birthmother
greet dozens and dozens of friends arriving home from various places around the world
attend the wedding of my BEST Lanee and be her bridesmaid
go on a mission?
become a master chef?
learn to reupholster?
conquer the earth?
invent the internet?
I'll see you then.
Thank you all for the love and unending support you've shown me this year by stopping by shortly, following, leaving a comment or two, or just plain being a friend. I can't tell you how much it means to me.
Check out my year just below. Lotsa pictures.
at 9:37 PM